My Coach Mac
I wrote this a while back, but some recent life stuff had me revisit it. There are some core people and events that always seem to circle my atmosphere, and as time passes, I frame them differently. “Travel changes perspective. And it sets destination.” I find so much truth in this. I don’t travel much in a physical sense; I take trips through time. And I do that nonstop, daily…
Despite my effort to minimize it, my dad’s influence in my life is undeniable. He’s the soul reason why I am the man I am. (I didn’t misspell soul.) Even with it being so limited, he’s in my being.
He only spoke to me on rare occasions. “Get my belt.” “Pour me a drink.” “I’m sorry.” Most of our conversations were what I made up in my imagination. That being the case, a few things still really resonate with me as time has passed. How I want to treat women, the relationship that I have with my children, the dedication I have to my work, and...my love of words and music.
Words and music are the only good memories I have of him. He had a really extensive record collection that I would sneak and listen to while he was at work. He stopped playing them. I guess at some point he lost so much of himself that even music couldn’t conquer his demons. Playing those records let me know that at one time, there was good in him.
The last month before he died, we played Scrabble. Seems very random doesn’t it? But I think he knew it was coming to an end. He was coughing up blood and his body was breaking down. He would watch old reruns while lying on the couch, and a few late nights, he asked if I wanted to play. His vocabulary was beyond that of anyone I’ve ever known yet he asked me to play. It was the only quality time we shared.
The role that words and music play in my life...well if you know, you know. Sometimes, it’s necessary to look back in order to move forward. Sometimes I wish that I could have changed things, but would I be who I am if I did? Better or worse? I have an idea…but that’s mine. I’m at peace with my pain. There was a span when I didn’t want to acknowledge him at all, but today, I want to thank my father.
